Uncommon Courtesy
I attended a graduation ceremony for one of my nephews a few weeks ago, and it was one of those long ones, where they read each graduate’s name and they walk across the stage.
I was bothered by the behavior of some of the audience. The Dean had asked everyone to hold their applause until the end, and of course no one did. Every graduate received some polite applause and there were a couple of hoots. Fine. My problem was with a few families who stood up, blocking other people from seeing, and screamed and yelled for so long that the reading of some names were drowned out. Then the loud families left. They couldn’t be bothered to be in the auditorium for all the other class members.
I know that people have exhibited bad behavior since the beginning of time. But it seems to me that things are getting much, much worse. There used to be some level of decorum in the U.S. House of Representatives, but no longer. Now our elected officials yell at each other during speeches, and call each other names. Airlines are having to contend with passengers who refuse to obey the rules, and some who appear to be deranged in the YouTube videos I’ve seen. Pilots now routinely begin flights by saying “under U.S. law, you must follow the instructions of the crew members in the cabin.”
At several concerts this season, audience members have been throwing items at the performers. The singer Pink was handed the ashes of someone’s relative, and Cardi B had water thrown at her. A British man wrote two names on a wall of the Coliseum in Rome, and a French woman carved her initials into the Leaning Tower of Pisa. What is wrong with us?
Keith Bybee says, “ Civility is the baseline of respect that we owe one another in public life.” We lost most of our common interactions with others during COVID, and some are saying that people have forgotten how to behave in a civil society due to lack of practice. But a student who was clipping their toenails during a college lecture (honest!) somehow never became aware of our social convention against doing that.
We learn respect for one another in our nuclear family, and by mimicking the behavior of other people when we are in groups. Our elected officials model behavior for us, as do the actors in movies and TV shows. They aren’t doing such a good job.
Teachers may be the greatest influence on social development outside of the family, and most of them are wonderful. But during the past couple of years, people were not able to engage in the practice of social interactions. Zoom school doesn’t present the opportunity to wait in a line or sit in a group. Zoom meetings are not the same as hallway conversations or riding in an elevator. And watching church on a screen just isn’t the same as shaking hands with others and interacting in a Sunday school class.
The strength or weakness of our social connections — the relationships we have with others, particularly close relationships — are one of the greatest predictors of depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues.
Alfred Adler wrote that mental health is “an interest in the interests of others,” and it feels like this is much of what we have lost.
I have recently read some newspaper opinions that seem to say we should do whatever we want. I couldn’t disagree more. We need to have more concern about how our behavior affects others.
So we have to get back out there, and encourage others to join us. I am convinced that we can quickly develop more civility with just a little practice. Let’s model good behavior for others, and make the world a little nicer place to live.
