Uncertain
Getting used to not knowing
I like to write about the things that I know, and right now the thing I know best is uncertainty. There are plenty of things that I don’t know. Most of the time I’m comfortable with that, but recently the things that I don’t know feel like they could affect me deeply. I’m not just talking about all my recent health issues, but rather a wider range of concerns.
I used to feel certain that as a world, we were on a path toward greater knowledge, greater opportunities, better health, and more peace. I felt that the small parts that I played in this grand drama were at least pulling in the right direction. Now I’m not so sure.
Our situation in the world feels more uncertain than it’s been for many years. They tell me that the Doomsday Clock is closer to midnight than it has been since World War II. I can’t count on our government maintaining the same policies from month-to-month or even day-to-day. Things that I used to believe were obviously true are not any longer. Foreign nations used to be our friends. I can remember crossing over into Canada to watch hockey games with my dad and my brothers, and it was a simple process. Now we have an ongoing war of words with Canada, and a new bridge near Detroit has not been dedicated by the United States. We used to call nearly every European nation an ally. Now we appear to be at odds with almost all of them.
I wasn’t around during the buildups to the World Wars, but our current situation feels comparable. Nations are jockeying for positions of power, and violence is being used as a substitute for negotiation. There is an anxiety that is related to all our uncertainties because we can see some large cracks developing in the foundation of our world order. Something big could happen, because many small things are clearly happening. My concern is that this big thing could be harmful to all of us.
It is a comfort to have some things that you can rely on. When those things go away, it begins to feel as though you are walking on quicksand. I used to believe that I lived in one of the best countries in the world. Now I would have to qualify that. I used to believe that people were generally good and kind. Now, I still believe that, but it seems like a number of people are at least confused, and possibly are being deliberately misled. What used to be called common decency is no longer common, and can’t be assumed.
I also feel a great deal of uncertainty about my own future. Years ago, I didn’t worry too much about whether I was doing the right thing, or whether I was putting my energy in the right place. Now I feel an urgency to do something new in my life, to see new places, to speak a different language, to learn about new cultures, to help other people, and to try to be a better person, and the clock is ticking. I don’t know how to do all those things. I still feel obligations to continue things that I have already started, and I don’t know how much time or energy that I will have to start something new. I also want to learn more. I’ve always enjoyed learning, and maybe that one thing has remained consistent.
I’ve been noticing that I’m praying more lately. Maybe the loss of certainty is leading me to get closer to God. There are a variety of ways to do that, and I’ve explored many of them already. The practices that seem to do the most for me are those that stretch me intellectually and emotionally. Sometimes it’s just a song that can set me off in a new direction. This may be one more way that God takes something negative — the drastic change that is creating uncertainty — and transforms it into a path to greater faith. It may be that a meaningful life doesn’t rely on certainty at all.
