Everything Looks Good
(On the outside)
I remember driving down our street with my Dad when I was young - I might have been 12 years old. We drove past the Smith’s house, and they had three Cadillacs in the driveway. I said, “It must be nice to be that rich.” Then Dad said, “The bank owns those cars.” My Dad worked for the IRS. He knew things.
I’ve known lots of people since then who looked like they had it made, but as I got to know them in different ways, I found that the reality was quite different. A beautiful woman with metastatic cancer. A very wealthy man who believed his friends only liked him for his money. A successful business person who suffered from terrible anxiety.
Be kind. Everyone is fighting a hard battle. — Ian MacLaren
There are lots of examples in the public arena. Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston looked like the perfect couple. Bill and Melinda Gates had more money than they could ever spend, and now they’re rich and divorced. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle endure tremendous pressure from the Royal Family. Anthony Bourdain seemed like the coolest guy ever on his TV show. Elizabeth Taylor was a closet alcoholic. John Madden famously hated to fly.
Under the surface, beneath the shiny facade that we show on social media, we’re all annoyingly human, with all the petty concerns and jealousies and irritating aches and pains that are part of our condition.
When I retired from the VA, one of my co-workers said to me, “Everything seems to fall into place for you.” I was shocked for a second, and I didn’t know how to respond. I thought about the worries that I have about health, my family, money, people that I care about, my purpose in life, and the state of our country. But this person only knew me as their boss, who was retiring. I said, “I’ve been lucky.” And in many ways, I have. I wish I had said, “I’ve been blessed,” but I guess it’s a little of both.
The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well. — Alfred Adler
My personal concerns mostly deal with how to save the world, use my skills, and make a difference, all while still enjoying life. I see so many injustices in the world that I’m not sure where to start. And many of my interests have turned selfish— I want to feel better physically, so I walk a lot. There is much of the world that I want to see, so I spend time traveling. I want to understand things, so I read. I have a worry that I have not made the best use of some wonderful gifts that I’ve been given. I am concerned that I don’t love others in all the ways that I should. It turns into a kind of despair— I can’t turn overnight into a person who has made the world a better place, no matter what I do. I have made some small incremental improvements for a few people. Is that enough to justify a life?
We all struggle with different things that aren’t immediately obvious to others. One of the benefits of being vulnerable enough to talk about some of these things is learning that we’re not alone. Everyone has challenges that they face.
My truth is that I look back at my life with a concern that I didn’t do enough, and a worry that I’m not putting my waning energy in the right place even now. I think about my heroes, and I don’t measure up. They have all found ways to sacrifice more, think more clearly, be kinder, care about others’ opinions less, and be more productive than I ever have.
