As I get older, I know more and more people who suffer losses. What are we to say to them? And maybe more importantly, what ought we not say?
I have a friend who suffered a recent loss, and says that everyone seems to ask him, “How are you doing?” He’s grateful for their concern, but his honest answer is probably “terrible.” Do those who ask really expect something different?
When my parents died, I was flooded with caring. People sent cards, letters, and casseroles. When they would see me at work, they would say that they were sorry, or tell me that they were praying for me and my family. Some just avoided me. Don’t do that. But many of them didn’t know what to say.
So here’s a list of some dos and don’ts that may help the next time you find yourself searching for the right thing to say.
Do
Tell them how you genuinely feel:
I’m so sorry
I was shocked to hear
I feel terrible for you
I’m so sad
He/she will be missed
Offer your memories:
They had such a beautiful smile
They were so kind to everyone
I remember when he/she helped with …
I’ll never forget the time …
He/she was so great when …
Offer to help:
Can I pick up some groceries?
Do you want some help around the house?
Would you like to talk?
How can I help?
Or just arrive with a meal
Check in later:
Just after someone dies is a time of great support, but it falls off quickly. A few weeks after the event, give the bereaved person a call, and say something like, “I know it’s been a few weeks, and I just wanted to check on you. Is there anything I can do to help?”
Don’t
Make assertions (especially religious ones):
They’re in a better place
God called them home
They were needed in heaven
God has a plan
Try to minimize:
At least they’re not in pain anymore
They lived a good long life
Focus on yourself:
I know just how you feel
Prayer helped when my mother died
I couldn’t go to church after Dad’s death
It took me two months to feel better
Give advice.
Just don’t. Now is not the time.
The key thing about a difficult time like this is to let the grieving person know that they are loved. Any way that can be shown will be a blessing.
