A Lovely Book About Grief
A writer with vulnerability and grace
Memorial Days by Geraldine Brooks describes the tragic sudden death of her husband and her process of grieving over a period of years. She is not a religious person, and so did not have her faith to support her, but details the things that did help her — family, friends, and memories.
I have worked with a lot of grief in my life — my own and that of others. It is never easy. After the sudden loss of her husband, Brooks took the advice handed down by others from Ruth Bader Ginsburg. “Do your work. It might not be your best work, but it will be good work, and it will be what saves you.“ So she did. The result is this book, which offers honesty and insight.
Grief is a jumbled mix of overwhelming sadness, loneliness, confusion, disorientation, and (at times) gratitude. Everyone is presented with a different combination, and everyone responds differently. While the theory presented by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the public to “Five Stages of Grief,” not everyone goes through denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, or they experience them in various combinations. David Kessler has even written about a sixth stage — finding meaning.
We all need to tell our story and to understand our story. We all need to understand death and to cope with death, and we all need help in our passages from birth to life and then to death. We need for life to signify, to touch the eternal, to understand the mysterious, to find out who we are.
— Bill Moyers, The Power of Myth
Brooks shares just how complicated grief can be, and how personal. She goes back to familiar places and finds comfort in nature as she considers her life with the writer Tony Horwitz and struggles to cope with her emotions. Robert A. Neimeyer, in his book New Techniques of Grief Therapy, writes that one of the challenges of grief is an attempt “to access the back story of the relationship to the deceased, in order to resolve unfinished business and restore a measure of attachment security.” This is the work that Brooks is doing on these pages. She revisits important times in their life together, she reads his journals for the first time, and she finds gratitude for the time they had together.
Many people don’t understand how grieving can take so long. I’ve had clients who were still grieving years after their losses, and some of their friends tell them, “Just get over it. You have to get on with your life.” Of course, that is the goal. But it’s not that easy. Some people will go into deep depressions during this period, and others just feel untethered.
My grief has been and will be different. Your grief will take its own unique shape. Nevertheless, I recommend this book. Her vulnerability is something to see.
While I’m on the subject, there are a few little lessons about grief that I believe to be generally true. When writing a condolence card or note, include a personal memory of the person who died. Brooks writes, “I valued these letters, especially the ones that recounted an anecdote about Tony that I hadn’t known.” Those little stories are gifts. If you didn’t know the person, “I’m so sorry” goes a long way.
If you are the one grieving, pay attention to your own memories of the deceased. Write them down, and add to them when they occur to you. Look at some old photos. Yes, it may be painful, and it will also be healing.
I’ve already borrowed the book from Libby. Tomorrow I will open it. Thank you
Thank you for sharing these insights. My brother died unexpected last year and one thing I've been surprised by again and again is how our culture doesn't understand how to talk about grief and death. This post is very helpful.