There were still many complaints about our immigration system and the violent tactics used by ICE. The signs read “ICE out now,” and “Melt the ICE.”

Other issues were the war in Iran: “Stop the war,” “Peace now,” and “Make love, not war.”

Medicare: “Healthcare for all,” “Hands off my Medicare.”

Inflation

Fascism, Democracy

Epstein Files

The common denominator is our president, and his disregard for the rule of law.

I attend these rallies not in the hope that our leader will actually change anything, but that those in Congress will recognize that their political careers will be short-lived if they don’t resist the worst of his impulsive actions. Showing the numbers of those who disagree with our current policies will at least make some lawmakers take pause before they vote.

I think I also go because it helps me to see that I am not alone, that there are many other people who agree with some of my opinions, and that there is hope for change.

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Carl Jung talks about the “red thread” that weaves its way through a person’s life. This is the common element that links the different parts of the journey. It might show up as a clear theme that is easy to see or as an unconscious movement that expresses itself in values, choices, character, or preferences. When someone identifies this kind of connection, a fuzzy picture can become clearer; a seemingly disconnected group of events begin to take on new meaning.

This can be an important part of a therapeutic process. The right questions can lead to a self-discovery that feels both surprising and familiar at the same time.

The red thread can be hard to find. Writer and storyteller Mark Yaconelli writes, “None of us are as we appear. Almost every story we tell of ourselves is too small. No matter how epic, most stories seek to reduce, explain, control. They leave something out in the telling. The long periods of time stuck, confused, bored. The contradictory actions and feelings that make us appear fuzzy and untrustworthy. We tend to live in the in-between, the space between the story we tell and the story we are actually living. The work is to integrate the two.”

When we look hard at the boring parts of our lives, at the mundane habits and unclear choices, the thread can sometimes make an appearance. I had a client who saw me after a long and decorated military career. After he retired, he tried to make sense of some of his choices. He had many more lucrative opportunities, but he chose to work at a party store where they sold decorations and games. His wife and friends thought it was beneath him. Late at night, he liked to watch cartoons. His favorite lunch was a peanut butter and banana sandwich. One day he was describing a particularly tense battle that he had been involved with when he said, “Blam! Blam! We got em!” It sounded out of character, so I asked about it. It turned out that he used to have play battles with his friends in his backyard, and they would yell like that at each other. Around that same time his parents died in a car accident. He had missed out on much of his childhood, and had to grow up much too fast. His red thread — the common theme that ran through his life — was that he was trying to do things that he missed as a little boy. This realization came as a shock. “I think I’ve been playing at being an army man my whole life,” he said.

Some threads are more subtle. Avoiding conflict can influence choices of all kinds. Some people look back and wonder why they didn’t push for a promotion, but that could have led to a confrontation. They may begin to question other times when they gave up on something that they desired.

A good therapist may be of help in uncovering themes or patterns, but this is also an undertaking that you can begin by yourself. Here are some ways to help find your red thread:

• Look for repetition. Are there situations that keep showing up?

• What has been important? Can you identify those events in your life that have been particularly important? What led to this event?

• Ask others. How do those who know you well describe you?

• Identify consistency. Do you frequently have the same emotional response to different situations?

Finding your red thread can assist you to avoid unconscious habits and live a more authentic life. The difference can be like turning on a light in a dark room.

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Staying

I stayed a day too long.

I thought I needed the time, to pack, to clean up loose ends, to tidy up.

But I was ready to go.

My mind was already getting picked up, in a hug, on the other end.

I became resentful of the time. Another night, another meal, another plate to wash.

The visit that had been neatly arranged became spoiled, like a first date with nothing more to say. It wasn’t fun anymore. My memories were running toward the swamp.

I vowed to remember the next time.

But I know myself. I don’t like to be rushed.

I would rather catch the next train than run for this one.

So I will stay too long the next time, and the time after that.

If only I can learn to avoid staying too long when it is time to really go.

It Takes a While

It takes a while to figure out what love is.

It hides sometimes.

It may look like one thing and be another.

The view may be a mirage, or maybe a miracle.

It changes shape and depth and consistency over time.

It can be tougher than it looks at first, or suddenly more fragile.

What at first is opaque can become transparent after the gilded surface is worn away.

What people who separate never discover is that the character of love changes over time. The annoying things become just part of the background, and the kindness buried deep comes bubbling to the surface.

The rushing water of life scrubs away the superficial things that attracted you like the cuteness of every child.

At some point the only thing left is the grace of one who has become part of you, and you of them.

On the Side of the Road

A deer stuck its head out on the side of the fast road.

Not enough to do anything, just curious.

I didn’t even have to slow, but I wondered about the deer.

Would it ever see the other side?

Did the seeing answer its questions, or make more?

Was it happy now?

It ate a leaf and took a pee to sacramentalize the occasion.

I think that’s how these things begin.

As I sat down the pew creaked, and I imagined it was a sign.

I heard the words, but couldn’t find the right page.

Then the sun broke through the stained glass, and my bladder felt full.

The Joy of Discovery

I am tired of words that I know.

The new words I find in my language sound pretentious, and I don’t like them.

In a different country, each new phrase is a surprise and a connection. They are everyday words, but new to me.

I grow like a web from passage to passage.

The people around me become more real. My ignorance is revealed, and I become more than I was with each idea.

I go home, and I see differently. I find that the people have followed me. And the words. The old words have been polished to a bright new shine.

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Apocalyptic writing relies on vivid imagery—beasts, angels, cosmic battles, and symbolic numbers—to communicate theological truths about God’s justice and the ultimate triumph of good over evil. Because of this symbolism, Revelation has always been difficult to interpret.

Throughout history, some readers have attempted to treat the book as a roadmap for predicting the exact timing of Christ’s return. These predictions have repeatedly failed. In the twentieth century Hal Lindsey’s The Late Great Planet Earth argued that the end of the world was imminent. Jerry Falwell suggested Christ might return around the year 2000. Even Isaac Newton attempted to calculate the date of the Second Coming, proposing the year 2060. Popular novels such as Tim LaHaye and Jerry Jenkins’ Left Behind series brought this style of interpretation into mainstream culture by imagining the rapture and a final global battle called Armageddon.

The Current Misuse

People are free to hold whatever religious views they wish. The difficulty arises when government officials begin presenting these interpretations as justification for public policy—especially war.

Since the beginning of the war in Iran, the Military Religious Freedom Foundation (MRFF) reports receiving more than 200 complaints from U.S. service members about religious rhetoric used by military leaders. According to these complaints, some commanders have described the conflict in explicitly biblical terms, framing it as part of the “end times” or even as a divinely ordained “holy war.”

One report described a combat unit commander telling troops that the conflict was “part of God’s divine plan,” and that President Trump had been “anointed by Jesus to light the signal fire in Iran to cause Armageddon and mark his return to Earth.” (“US troops were told war on Iran was ‘all part of God’s divine plan’, watchdog alleges,” The Guardian, March 8, 2026; Democracy Now!, March 9, 2026.)

If such statements are occurring in official military contexts, they raise serious concerns—both theological and constitutional.

Theological Concerns

The interpretation of current geopolitical events as steps toward Armageddon reflects a particular theological framework often associated with modern dispensationalist end-times theology. While influential in some evangelical circles, this approach is not the dominant view across global Christianity.

The majority of Christian traditions—including Catholic, Orthodox, and many Protestant theologians—have long rejected attempts to identify contemporary political events with specific prophetic timelines.

In fact, Jesus himself explicitly warned against such speculation. In the Gospel of Matthew he says:

“But about that day and hour no one knows, neither the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.”

—Matthew 24:36

For most of Christian history, theologians have therefore urged humility when interpreting apocalyptic passages. Augustine, writing in the fifth century, cautioned believers against attempting to calculate the timing of the end. The purpose of apocalyptic texts, he argued, was not to provide a timetable for history but to encourage faithfulness and perseverance in difficult times.

When military leaders present modern wars as part of God’s apocalyptic plan, they move far beyond responsible interpretation of scripture.

Constitutional Concerns

Beyond theological disagreement, the use of apocalyptic religious rhetoric by government officials raises serious constitutional questions.

The Establishment Clause of the First Amendment prohibits the government from endorsing or promoting a particular religious belief. When officials acting in their official capacity present a war as the fulfillment of biblical prophecy, they risk crossing that constitutional line.

Such statements can create several problems:

• They promote a specific religious interpretation of scripture.

• They may pressure soldiers who hold different beliefs—or no religious belief at all.

• They occur within a rigid hierarchical structure where disagreement with superiors may feel professionally risky.

Courts have long been especially cautious about religious messaging within the military because of this power imbalance. Service members cannot easily walk away from their commanders.

Justice Stephen Breyer summarized the broader purpose of the religion clauses when he wrote that they were meant to “avoid religiously based social conflict” and preserve the separation of church and state (American Legion v. American Humanist Association, 139 S. Ct. 2067, 2090–91 (2019) (Breyer, J., concurring)).

When military leaders frame war as part of God’s plan for the end of the world, they risk entangling government power with sectarian belief in exactly the way the Constitution was designed to prevent.

The Moral Burden on Soldiers

Theological distortion in wartime rhetoric also affects the moral lives of the soldiers themselves.

From my own work with veterans, it is clear that military service already places extraordinary moral burdens on those who serve. Soldiers must reconcile their actions with their consciences, the laws of war, and their own ethical or religious commitments.

Professional military ethics therefore emphasize discipline, legality, and restraint rather than ideological zeal.

When leaders frame combat as participation in God’s end-times plan, they risk shifting soldiers’ moral framework away from duty and law toward a sense of sacred mission. That shift can be dangerous.

International humanitarian law—including the Geneva Conventions—depends on combatants recognizing the humanity of their enemies and maintaining limits even in extreme circumstances. Apocalyptic rhetoric, by contrast, tends to portray conflicts as absolute battles between good and evil in which ordinary restraints may appear irrelevant.

Recent comments from Secretary Hegseth only deepen these concerns. He reportedly stated: “We will keep pressing, we will keep pushing, keep advancing. No quarter, no mercy for our enemies.”

As reporter Matt Novak has noted, “no quarter” historically means refusing to take prisoners and instead killing enemy combatants outright. For more than a century, such declarations have been recognized as violations of the laws of war. Former U.S. government war-crimes lawyer Brian Finucane likewise observed that “[d]enial of quarter—even the declaration of no quarter—is a war crime.” (Heather Cox Richardson, Letters from an American, March 13, 2026.)

When apocalyptic religious rhetoric merges with language that dismisses legal restraints on warfare, the result is deeply troubling.

Why People of Faith Should Speak Up

Apocalyptic language has always exerted a strange fascination on human imagination. It promises certainty in uncertain times and cosmic meaning in the chaos of history.

But when that language migrates from the pulpit into the chain of command, it becomes dangerous.

The Constitution forbids the government from declaring a religious interpretation of world events. The Christian tradition warns believers against claiming to know God’s timetable. And military ethics insist that war must remain subject to law and restraint.

Apocalyptic rhetoric ignores all three.

Wars should never be fought in the name of prophecy. They should never be justified as steps toward Armageddon. And soldiers should never be told they are instruments of the end of the world.

The task before us is difficult enough: preserving a society where faith remains free, government remains accountable, and the terrible power of war remains constrained by law and conscience.

That task demands clear thinking—not end times mania.

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I’m focusing on behavior, and a lack of respect. This was demonstrated during the last two State of the Union addresses when members of the audience yelled out “Liar!” during the speech. It can be seen in classrooms across the nation, where kids are talking back to their teachers, on airplanes where passengers refuse to follow instructions, or at youth sporting events where parents are verbally abusing volunteer umpires and referees. Some restaurants now charge for reservations to ensure that diners show up, and servers are often treated poorly. It’s also a factor in police brutality and the treatment of refugees. All of this shows a basic lack of respect.

There are two basic definitions of respect: the first is a feeling of admiration, usually based on the abilities or achievements of another. We might respect the athleticism of Michael Jordan, or the acting ability of Meryl Streep. The second definition refers to behavior, and is the focus of this post. This type of respect is having due regard for the feelings, rights, and traditions of another.

In order to show due regard, we have to have some understanding of those with whom we are interacting. If we don’t know that cows are sacred in India, we won’t be able to show them the proper respect. This same kind of understanding is needed for all those who don’t share our traditions. To operate with respect, we need both education and empathy.

When we are aware that we aren’t familiar with the situation in which we find ourselves, it makes sense to be more polite than usual. This will usually reduce the number of social mistakes that we make, and thus improve the respect that we are showing. Of course, in order to use this strategy, one must understand how to be polite in the first place.

There will be some who say that not everyone deserves respect. The 18th century German philosopher, Immanuel Kant, argued that all persons deserve respect simply because they are human. This has become a core element of modern humanism. It is also stated another way in Christian circles as all deserve respect as all are children of God. In the Declaration of Independence, we say “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all [men] are created equal…” It is a fundamental concern if this is no longer considered self-evident.

It is often a lack of respect that fuels animosity between opponents. This is true of politicians, countries, sports teams, and many others. While mutual respect will not eliminate all disputes, it may allow for more fruitful communication between the parties.

One of the most significant differences from the past in our political discourse is a profound lack of respect. This is not to say that insults were not hurled in the past. But there was a shared understanding that a certain amount of respect was due to an elder, or one who had labored in a job for a long period, or one who had been promoted to a high position. Now four star generals, or anyone who disagrees with the administration, are treated like something to wipe off your shoe.

We recognize a problem in our children when they show a lack of respect to authority or even to other kids. We applaud efforts to try to teach them respect, and we reinforce these efforts by telling them that they should obey their teachers and respect their elders. A little later in life, this seems to get lost.

How do we develop this basic value? There have been programs designed with respect as a principle tenet, and they have been used successfully in organizations around the country. Unfortunately, these are diversity, equity, and inclusion programs, which are now out of favor in our government. They seek to promote the fair treatment and full participation of all people, particularly groups who have historically been underrepresented or subject to discrimination based on identity or disability. One of the things that they teach is respect for differences. Now even these important teachings aren’t getting any respect.

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“Boardwalk,” he said. “That’s the key.”

Okay. I played my normal game, picking up properties as I landed on them. He was the banker, so he carefully counted out the money I gave him for each deed.

We started slowly. We bought a few odds and ends, but neither of us were rolling well. Pretty soon he announced a banker’s tax of $20 on each transaction. “Twenty bucks?” “Yup.”

I got all three of the red streets, so I started to build some houses. One more trip around the board, and it was time to buy another house. “Bank’s closed,” he said.

“What? You can’t do that.”

“Sure I can. It’s my game.”

I tried to explain how it works. The rules. Fairness. “It’s my game,” he said.

Okay. I’m an adult. I can humor him. He’s only 7.

We played some more. He got all the green streets, and the bank was suddenly open again.

“I think we should check with your Mom.”

“Go ahead,” he said, with more confidence than I anticipated.

When his Mom came in the room, we talked. I asked, “Don’t you think we should be following the rules?” He grinned as she rubbed his hair.

“Oh, we don’t have to be sticklers. He’s just learning.”

He’s learning, all right.

The bank opened and closed. He made a fortune on Pacific Ave., and it seemed like I landed there every other turn. He bought up all the houses, so there was a building shortage. Even when the bank was open, I couldn’t buy houses.

“I’ll sell you some houses,” he said. Wait. Could you do that? This was new to me. “$4000 each,” he said.

“No way!”

But that was his price. I didn’t bite.

The game was going long, and he was getting impatient. I could wait him out.

“Final bell,” he said.

“What’s that?”

“We go around until one of us lands on Boardwalk. Then we count our money. The most money wins.”

I had never heard of this, but whatever. I was getting tired of this game.

It turns out I was the one who landed on Boardwalk, so we started our count. As I was tallying up my bills, he pulled some 500s out from under the board. “I win,” he said.

I never had a chance.

And that’s how we ended up with development projects in Venezuela, Gaza, Iran, Greenland, and parts of Africa.

He said, “Another game?”

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While Robbins touts her book as a breakthrough, radical acceptance is not a new idea. It has been around since the time of Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius, Stoic philosophers who both talked about accepting what cannot be controlled. They lived at the beginning of the Christian era, and emphasized that acceptance of fate is a key part of the path to inner peace. This thinking was incorporated into Buddhism in around the 6th century.

It’s interesting that psychology has developed a variety of ways to use acceptance in clinical treatments. In the 1940s psychologist Carl Rogers emphasized unconditional positive regard which focused on accepting the person as they are. This became a core part of many humanistic therapies. It was later explicitly included in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), developed by Steven C. Hayes in the 1980s. ACT works by helping people to accept difficult thoughts and feelings while continuing to move forward in their lives.

This idea can work well in our personal lives. As we move out in concentric circles to wider spheres — family, community, state, nation, and world — things get more complicated, and “let them” becomes not only harder to do, but often means losing rights and moving away from personal values. Allowing others to make laws and regulations becomes onerous. In these wider contexts, “let them” means giving up or giving in, and most of us aren’t willing to do that.

Sometimes I wish others would follow this advice. I’d love it if conservative Christians would just let other people be who they are: gay, trans, or otherwise. It would be great if women could choose what to do with their own bodies. Just let them. And why do we have to eliminate DEI programs? It seems like we should let companies be able to do what works for them.

Of course, this is why “let them” is just an interesting thought, and not a practical way to behave outside of particular situations. Everyone seems to know how others should live, and then wants to inscribe their beliefs in law to force others to do things their way. Everything is all rainbows and beautiful music until someone decides that your backyard would make a good toxic waste site. Then you really don’t want to let them.

There are plenty of times when you need to stand up for yourself, particularly if you or those you love are faced with harmful or abusive behavior. Then you should not “let them,” but rather engage in confrontation and advocacy, even going to the authorities if necessary. One difficulty that Robbins doesn’t address is how to decide when to be passive and when to act. This may be because she just does what she wants in each situation.

Robbins is trained as a lawyer. In this book, her advice ranges from relationships to parenting to psychological change theory. I think maybe the biggest problem that Robbins has is a lack of a moral foundation. How does she decide when to “let them” and when to act to stop them? It’s just up to each individual to decide. In a recent interview she was asked, “Who or what is your moral compass?” Robbins’s answer was immediate: “Me. I’m my moral compass.” (Sound familiar?) She continued to say that there were no external influences on her moral calculus. (Morality requires other people, Peter W. Marty, The Christian Century, March 2026 p. 1)

In the political sphere, this is a particularly bad time to embrace the “let them theory.” Much of what MAGA followers are doing is wrong — people are being harmed, traditional values are being upended (see my post Basic Ethics), and valued institutions are being destroyed. If we “let them” we are allowing global warming to get worse, making it harder for some citizens to vote, and approving the use of military-style power against ordinary people.

It may be better to use some ancient wisdom to choose when to act. Years ago, Reinhold Niebuhr put it this way:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

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The gray zones show up all the time. If you have applied for a job, and are waiting to hear, there are all kinds of scenarios that we imagine: I shouldn’t have said that thing about liking the art. What if they think I’m not a serious person? And what did her raised eyebrow mean? If I get the job, then I could afford that new car. If I don’t, then I have to rethink this whole thing. Maybe this isn’t the career for me. I wonder when I will hear back.

When you are sick, you are forced to wait. And wait. Wait at the doctor’s office, wait for the test results, wait to see if your body responds to treatment. Wait on the automated voice attendant to connect you with a human. If you are suffering with a cold, that’s one thing. It may linger, but you are pretty sure it will go away in time. But what about a serious illness? Is the waiting hopeless? Will you ever be able to see the ocean again, or visit the grandchildren? Our minds create suffering for us before it ever happens. What if I develop some terrible pain? What if I am disfigured? What if I can’t take care of myself?

Farmers spend their lives waiting. Till the soil, plant the seeds, and wait. Watch the weather and see what happens. Do the things you can — spread the fertilizer, spray the insecticide, and wait. Watch the commodities market as prices rise and fall. See how the crops are doing, and watch the weather some more.

No one likes to wait, because it involves two things that we hate: lack of control and uncertainty. When we wait, someone or something else is in charge. If that weren’t true, we would just do something, and the waiting would be over. But it’s the uncertainty that really gets us. We just don’t know how this particular thing is going to turn out. Will it be positive, negative, or a surprise? And then how will we handle it? We think we know the answer to this, and we try to prepare ourselves, but we’re often thrown for a loop.

Our nation is in a gray area right now. What is going to happen next? I always thought that I had certain rights, but now I’m not sure. I thought if you were born here, you were a citizen. Maybe not. Is protesting protected, or is it dangerous to even attend? Will I be put on some nefarious list? Can I say what I think, or will ICE come and get me in the middle of the night? Some of us are waiting for things to change, but it feels like in the meantime we are surrounded by mean girls who control the most powerful army on earth. We are waiting.

The best way I know to prepare for a time of waiting is to practice it. We can develop a kind of patience by making ourselves wait over and over until we get used to the many feelings and thoughts that come along with it. Mindfulness meditation is one good way to prepare. Mindfulness can feel complicated, but very simply it is the practice of noticing your thoughts and allowing them to go away. This is a method of repeatedly waiting — waiting for the next thought, the next breath, the next moment. Over time, one begins to notice patterns, cycles of anticipation and disappointment, thoughts that are frequently repeated. This kind of waiting practice can even become interesting or — believe it or not — fun. It is very effective at allowing us to get better at waiting.

I find myself in the gray zone right now. I’m controlling what I can, but in so many ways, I’m just waiting to see what happens next. As a Christian, I believe that it is all in God’s hands, but I don’t like it. I want answers. So I meditate, and try to be ready for whatever comes next. I should remember the old adage: be careful what you wish for. I may find that I prefer the gray zone.

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I thought it might be time for a refresher. There are some core ethical principles that transcend country, politics, and religion. These are the ideas that everyone should be able to agree are important to human society. When these principles are not followed, it is fair to say that the action taken is “unethical.”

Top Four

I’ll start with the four most cited concepts, and then expand the list a little. The top four which everyone should agree on are: autonomy, beneficence, nonmaleficence, and justice.

Autonomy is the respect for each person, recognizing that everyone is capable of making informed decisions about their own lives. In religious terms, this is described as each person being created in the image of God. Showing respect for an individual means that we respect their values and beliefs, and that we tell them the truth.

Beneficence is a fancy term for trying to do good. Acting to help others and improve their well-being is universally considered ethical behavior. There may be philosophical disagreements about how to define “good,” but working toward improved well-being is widely considered ethical.

Nonmaleficence is simply defined by the medical oath to “do no harm.” It is easily stated, but some actions have consequences that we don’t anticipate which can be harmful. This means that to the extent possible, we need to anticipate possible outcomes, and avoid those that might be negative.

Justice is the idea that both costs and benefits should be distributed fairly. This is not the same as dividing things equally — it starts with basic liberties for all, but there can be inequalities if they benefit the least advantaged. Thomas Aquinas thought about justice as not just a legal issue, but a character trait. We should all be thinking about how others can get what they deserve.

Other Accepted Principles

Beyond these top four, there are several other widely accepted principles of ethical behavior: respect for human dignity, integrity, responsibility, proportionality, and solidarity. Every person has innate value, even if they aren’t able to contribute to society. We should act honestly and keep our promises. We should take responsibility for our actions, accept the consequences, and make amends for our mistakes.

Proportionality gets a little more specific. When we take a risk in order to achieve a beneficial outcome, the outcome should be worth the risk. We need to continually ask, does the end justify the means? This shows up in just war theory, when an attack should be only as damaging as is necessary to achieve the objective.

Finally, solidarity recognizes that everything we do affects others. We are interdependent. Our smallest choices have an impact, because they are multiplied by many millions of people. This is the principle behind recycling, public health efforts, education, and law enforcement. Even our choices about what to buy and how to spend our time have an impact.

Our Current Situation

Looking at the news through this ethical lens helps me to see that we are moving in the wrong direction as a country. Using our economic and military power to get what we want violates virtually all of these principles. The tactics used by ICE don’t even consider ethical restraint. And the misinformation that is being spread attempts to justify the government’s behavior.

It is up to all of us to push in every way for compliance with these ethics. History shows that when they are disregarded, terrible things can happen.

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It happens. In today’s world, jobs move around, neighborhoods change, and people marry and divorce with effects on all kinds of relationships. Sometimes birth families aren’t so welcoming. Political differences or misunderstandings or intolerance can cause families to break apart. Robert Frost said, “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in.” But it’s not true. Sometimes individuals are locked out — physically or emotionally.

Human beings are social animals. We need each other. When we don’t have enough connections, or the right connections, we feel a kind of emptiness that can only be filled by relationship. It is then that sometimes the magic happens. There is an invitation. A spark of interest. A possibility develops that is worth the risk, and a group coalesces around each other.

I’ve been a part of such a group for years now. We are all very different, from different backgrounds and with different experiences, but somehow it works. Almost every week we get together for dinner on Sunday, and we talk about everything and nothing. The most interesting and most important thing is that we care about each other. If I really need help, I can call on these people and be confident that they will respond, and I would be there for them. I have come to love these people.

We call ourselves “chosen family,” and that’s a good label, because we each choose to be there and be a part of the group, and in many ways we act like a family — we argue, we make fun of each other, we know our faults, we support each other, we celebrate our successes, and we help where we can. We also call each other out and tick each other off. It’s not perfect, but somehow it is better than facing the world alone.

Right now, one of our members is dying from cancer. It is heartbreaking, and scary. One of the many reasons it is scary is that this is the person who pulled us all together. He was the one who made the invitations, who served the dinners, who made the initial connections, who was the patriarch of our group. Losing him will be a disruption in the bonds that hold us together. We are all gathering around him now, bringing love and support and doing what we can. But when we lose him, like any family, we will have to regroup. It will never be the same, but I’m hoping it will take on a new form that will be just as much a blessing.

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We all have to accept the fact that we will die. This can lead to a motivation to do more with the time we have, or a kind of resignation which leads to a carelessness and lack of concern for this life, the idea that nothing matters.

When I worked at a cancer center, one of the most surprising things that I heard was, “This cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me.” At first it was hard to believe. But as we talked, I learned that the person who was diagnosed with cancer went from shock and anger to a total change in their life. They spent more time with their family. They did things they had always wanted to do. They slowed down, and many of their worries just went away. They said, “I feel like a new person. My diagnosis was a gift.”

I hope that most of us don’t have to have a serious medical issue before we make important changes in our lives. Just remembering that we will die someday is enough. Christians used the idea of memento mori to urge people to make moral decisions instead of moving toward hedonism. On Ash Wednesday, we are reminded, “You are from dust, and to dust you shall return.” For many the opposite of memento mori was nuncest bibendum (“now is the time to drink”). Recognizing that death is inevitable leads us in one of two directions: doing all the good we can (following John Wesley and others) or having as much fun as we can, because we will eventually run out of time.

Doing Good

The knowledge that life is finite and short leads some people to try to make the world a better place. They are passing it on — making life better for the next generation, and creating a legacy of caring. We are all beneficiaries of these efforts, which have given us hospitals, museums, arts institutions, and universities. There are intangible benefits that we receive, too — systems of justice and organization that took great effort to put into place.

Carpe Diem

We all know people who value pleasure above all else. If we could get them to take the time to stop and talk about it, they would likely say something like, “Life is short. You have to go for the gusto!” This choice is a personal one, but it can feel superficial, leading to the feeling of “Is this all there is?” And of course, many religious traditions teach that there is much more.

The Afterlife

Christianity gives us a strong emphasis on the salvation of the soul, and eternal life with God. Thinking about death begs the question of what comes next? For a Christian, it is imagined as heaven, and described as a place where “God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away” (Rev 21:4).

There are other interpretations of salvation which don’t emphasize an afterlife at all. These Christians think about an authentic faithful existence in this life, with God meeting us in the midst of human history. While these eschatologies don’t explicitly deny the existence of heaven or an afterlife, they focus on bringing the kingdom of God into existence now. Today becomes the beginning of eternal life in God.

The Day of the Dead

In Mexico, there is a popular tradition that derives from its indigenous roots, called The Day of the Dead. On November 1st of each year, families gather to honor their deceased loved ones. They create altars loaded with food, flowers, photos, and other momentos from the lives of their family members, and at night they travel to local cemeteries to meet other families who are doing the same thing. It is a lively celebration, with music, food, and laughter. In this way stories of loved ones are passed down, and memories stay alive.

This is all too real

I am somewhat reluctant to write about all this right now, because I am experiencing it from a new perspective. One of my finest and closest friends is dying. He received a diagnosis recently that was sudden and shocking, as all such news can be; and the contrast between his active, busy, loving, and full life with the prospect that it will end too soon is staggering. It feels unreal in one sense and otherworldly in another.

I suppose it feels beyond my comprehension because it is — quite literally we will be gone from this physical world, and taken to another realm. Those of us who remain are forced to adjust in whatever ways that we can. It is painful and disorienting to go through such an enormous change.

I think this is one more reason to think about death — it helps us to get used to the idea, to explore the consequences, to test out our thoughts and feelings before they are thrust upon us. If you are anything like me, you will think hard about how you want to live your life, before your time to choose is gone.

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But then — Dat da da da! — reinforcements arrive, in the form of blue blobs that surround the enemy germs like a plastic coating and escort them out of the body. These are the white blood cells and antibodies that comprise parts of our immune system, and the germs are defeated. Miraculously, the infected person is better.

It would be great if our immune systems always worked like that. Sometimes they do, which is a miracle in itself. At other times, though, things get a lot more complicated.

The immune system works in three general ways:

1. Barriers,

2. Immediate Defense, and

3. Adaptive Defense.

Barriers

We don’t tend to give it a lot of thought (at least, I don’t), but our bodies are set up to keep bad stuff out. Our skin is exposed to all kinds of dirt, grime, and gunk, but it keeps that stuff outside us, where it can’t do any harm. The same is true of the mucus in our nose, and the tears in our eyes. They trap elements that we don’t want, and expel them. Even the acid in our stomach prevents some problems.

Immediate Defense

The first line of defense if a bacteria, virus, or fungus enters our system are called macrophages. These white blood cells can recognize and kill germs of various kinds. (Notice that your white blood cell count goes up when you are sick.) Two other kinds of white blood cells work a little differently — B-cells tag the germs with proteins for later destruction, and T-cells kill some of our body’s cells that are already infected. These cells also work on mutations that have become cancer cells.

Adaptive Defense

The immune system also has a memory mechanism that helps it to respond more effectively if a type of germ returns. Some B and T cells become memory cells after an infection, developing proteins that quickly respond to a recognized germ. This adaptive memory can occur naturally with each infection, or it can occur as the result of a vaccine, which simulates an infection and tricks the body into producing memory cells. Vaccines have been tremendously successful in fighting some potentially deadly diseases, such as polio, measles, mumps, and rubella.

Out of the Woods?

Given everything we know about the immune system, and all our medical knowledge about various diseases, we still have a long way to go to improve our public health. Some people are complicating our problems by fighting against the use of vaccines. There is a great deal of misinformation being circulated, some of it from the very government agencies that should be promoting scientific facts. It is frustrating to hear bad studies being cited, and even more frustrating to hear people arguing without any facts at all — just opinions and hearsay.

What can we do?

First, talk to medical experts if you are sick. Then follow their advice. Don’t think that Dr. Google or the latest AI will give you all the information you need.

Second, try to improve your health odds by taking preventative measures:

• Exercise

• Eat a healthy diet

• Get enough sleep

• Wash your hands

• Get the recommended vaccines

  sic

  

Being sick stinks

It is no fun to be ill. I know — I’ve just recovered from a cold that totally messed up my Christmas and New Years. Despite all the fantastic breakthroughs that medicine has made, they still don’t really know how to stop the common cold. Here’s to your health!

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The good news is that there are some things that we can do to alleviate this anxiety. One of the first techniques that I teach my patients is how to breathe in an intentional way.

The Sympathetic Nervous System

Our bodies have a sympathetic nervous system (SNS) that gets engaged when we get anxious. The SNS controls the body’s “fight-or-flight” response, the automatic reaction that prepares you to handle a threat or a stressor. The SNS increases our heart rate and blood pressure, and widens our pupils, making us ready to react quickly. This is really helpful if you are facing a bear or a thief, but less useful if you are worried about a presentation at work.

Say you are worried about that presentation. Your heart rate increases, you feel a pounding in your temples, and you feel tense. If you are prone to anxiety, this can begin a whole chain reaction. Your thoughts may begin to exaggerate your concerns, or you may even develop some concerns about things that are only remotely possible. David Spiegel, who is the director of the Center of Stress and Health at Stanford Medicine, says, “As soon as you notice what’s going on in your body, your brain thinks, ‘Oh no, this must be really bad,’ and you get more anxious. It’s like a snowball rolling downhill.” But using a breathing technique can help, Spiegel said. “When we teach people to control the physical effects of a stressor on their body, it puts them in a better position to deal with the stressor itself.”

The Parasympathetic Nervous System

In order to calm the SNS, we need to activate our relaxation system, called the parasympathetic nervous system. As you might guess, the parasympathetic system does the opposite of the SNS — heart rate slows, blood pressure is reduced, and our thoughts calm down. One great way to activate our parasympathetic nervous system is by breathing in a controlled way.

How to Breathe

There are many breathing techniques that work to help us relax, but I’ll focus on two: Diaphragmatic Breathing, and Deep Relaxation Breathing, sometimes called 4-7-8 breathing.

Diaphragmatic Breathing

1. Find a comfortable position, sitting or lying down.

2. Place one hand over your belly button.

3. Inhale through your nose and feel your belly rise. If you feel your chest rise more than your belly, you are not breathing deeply enough.

4. When you exhale, blow out through your mouth, with pursed lips as though you were blowing up a balloon.

5. Repeat this sequence for 5 minutes.

Deep Relaxation Breathing (4-7-8 breathing)

1. Find a comfortable position, sitting or lying down.

2. Breathe in through the nose for a count of four.

3. Hold your breath for a count of seven.

4. Exhale through pursed lips for a count of eight.

5. Repeat this sequence for 5 minutes.

Both of these techniques work to activate the parasympathetic nervous system.

These are tools that you always have with you — it costs nothing to give it a try. Take a breath!

For more information:

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10741869/

https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/ease-anxiety-and-stress-take-a-belly-breather-201904261861

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1. Last January, Lisa and I went out to Denver to visit Perry and Sharon. We finally got tickets for the Coors Factory Tour!

   

2. In February, we made the move from our long-time office to a new location about a mile away. The owners of the old building were no longer caring for it, so it’s nice to be in a place where the owner’s office is just a few floors below, and there is toilet paper in the bathrooms.

3. While I’m thinking about it, we reached our 21st year in practice this year, which is amazing to me. The Willow Wellness Center was started in 2004.

4. We had a great April in Paris! This was such a wonderful time - champagne tours, dinner in the Eiffel Tower, museums … I want to go back!

   

5. Our niece Melissa is a singing star, and headlined in Beautiful as Carole King in New Orleans and then played the Miranda Hillard role in Mrs. Doubtfire in Milwaukee. We loved these shows, and hope to catch Mrs. Doubtfire again in 2026.

   

6. My biggest and most rewarding undertaking this year was serving as a Mission Volunteer in México during May and June. I worked at Manos Juntas, a non-profit affiliate of the Methodist Church in Mexico. I met some wonderful colleagues who are making a difference for people on the Mexican border with the U.S., and I’m continuing those relationships.

   

7. I got tired of fighting to make my hair look decent, so I took the advice of a Mexican barber and went with a very short haircut. I’ve been glad I did ever since.

8. Every month I lead Peace Vigils at my church, and we put together a community-wide vigil in November. These prayer circles have nurtured my soul.

   

9. I drove up to Minneapolis to visit Chip and Sue for a few days and had a great time. Chip and I were in business school together, and he reminded me of some great Scam stories.

10. We went to New Orleans again in August to see Melissa perform with my brother Bill and sister-in-law Danielle. While there we took a day trip to the Tabasco factory on Avery Island. I do like my hot sauce.

11. In September, we spent a couple weeks with my favorite missionary, Willie Berman from Manos Juntas. Willie managed to survive on limited coffee while at our house, and we visited tons of churches in Northern Illinois.

12. Back to Denver in November, we gathered several members of our family for a fun dinner on an outdoor patio at Steuben’s, which I would recommend. When family gets together, those occasions can be really special. On the same trip we ate at Casa Bonita, which is a trip to another world.

13. I went to two very different conferences near the end of the year. The first was a hypnosis training on pain management. Hypnosis doesn’t work for everyone, but when it does it can be very powerful. Some people have had surgery with no anesthesia - only hypnosis. The second conference was for the Peace and Justice Studies Association, and included readings from the poet Padraig O’Tuama and some presentations that have really stuck with me. One in particular was about conversations with prisoners who were able to connect emotionally for the first time.

14. In the midst of all the turmoil that Donald Trump is creating in our country, it was heartening to participate with thousands of others in No Kings protests this year. It is good to know that there are others who are just as disturbed as I am. And I particularly loved the signs.

    

15. I continue to enjoy reading and writing, both in sermons and here at Fruitful Detours. This has been a good year for getting things down on paper (or putting things out in the blogosphere).

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This year, we couldn’t decide between two very different winners, so donations have gone to both the ACLU and Partners for Our Communities. Here is some more info about them:

From the POC website (poc.news): Partners for Our Communities (POC) empowers underserved people to develop self-sufficiency and become leaders in their communities. We build partnerships with other community organizations, connect families with local resources, and remove barriers to access. POC is proud to provide a skilled, culturally sensitive staff that is bilingual and bicultural.

POC works with their partners to provide case management, food and clothing, counseling, education and employment assistance. They work with senior citizens, youth, and the impoverished.

From the ACLU website (aclu.org): With more than 1.1 million members, 500 staff attorneys, thousands of volunteer attorneys, and offices throughout the nation, the ACLU of today continues to fight government abuse and to vigorously defend individual freedoms including speech and religion, a woman’s right to choose, the right to due process, citizens’ rights to privacy and much more. The ACLU stands up for these rights even when the cause is unpopular, and sometimes when nobody else will.

Congratulations to our winners, and many thanks to all who made charity nominations.

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I didn’t have any lines, but my instructions were clear — walk slowly to the manger, following an angel. Then when the scripture was read saying that the shepherds went home, I was to get up and walk back to my pew. Who could screw that up?

Well, I could, apparently. I was kneeling near the manger when the appropriate time arrived. I pushed myself upright with one leg, but the other leg got tangled in my costume, and I was suddenly off-balance. I took a hurried step forward to regain my footing, but that step took me over the stairs that lead down from our chancel.

Suddenly, so fast that I couldn’t even keep track of what was happening, I was flying over the stairs toward our baby grand piano. Mid-flight I heard someone exclaim, “Oh my God!” I smashed into music stands and microphones, and landed flat on my face, my headdress still intact.

Our congregation includes many medical professionals, and soon I was surrounded by doctors and nurses and firefighters. They were checking my pupils and asking all the usual questions: “Did you hit your head? Is anything broken?” I was embarrassed, and my knees hurt, but there were no major injuries.

I was impressed that after just a short delay, the pageant continued.

This wasn’t the first time I’ve hit the deck. A few years ago, in Mexico, I got jostled while I was carrying some groceries, and I tripped over a curb. My tortillas and soda flew everywhere, and once again, people crowded around to see if I was okay. I was, pretty much. I had bashed my knees, but not badly.

It’s a very strange feeling to be falling. There is a total lack of control. I try to grab something, but there is nothing there. And when I finally do land, it hurts of course, but the most prevalent feeling is that of gravity. It is surprising to me how powerful gravity is, and how heavy it makes my body feel. I inhabit the same body when I am walking, but it feels nowhere near the same.

These falls make me think about aging. About 25% of all people over age 65 fall each year. As we get older, the percentage rises. Most hip fractures (over 80%) are caused by falls. Here’s the scary news: over 20% of older adults with a hip fracture die within one year.

Everyone can reduce their chance of falling by following an exercise program that focuses on balance, leg strengthening, and sit to stand ability. In particular, yoga and tai chi are good choices, as is simple walking. Take care of yourself, and stay on your feet!

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It turns out that the museum was started by the Grams family, who had 75 acres that they were living on, and two teenage sons who liked cars. They started going to neighboring farms and collecting old junkers that had been abandoned. As their collection grew, people became interested in seeing it, and the family began to charge an entry fee, initially $1.00.

Over 60 years later, the Volo Museum is an amazing place to see beautiful and famous cars. Some have been used in movies, others were owned by celebrities, and all have been restored to a high-gloss shine. The museum has also grown, with newer exhibits on the Titanic, the Armed Forces, agriculture (think old tractors), a Disney gallery, and an old carousel surrounded by working music machines. We also went through some RVs, and although we decided not to visit the Flea Markets, there are four of them if that is your thing.

The museum is partially supported by auto sales. Many of the cars are for sale, and we saw prices from around $50,000 to almost $1 million. It is really interesting to see how much cars that my parents drove would now sell for. One of the best moments for me while we were there was seeing a 1958 Chevy much like the one my Dad drove. It brought me down memory lane.

All in all, we had a really nice day, ate macaroni and cheese in their cafeteria, and saw some amazing automobiles. I would go again.

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There are always too many worthwhile organizations to consider. I’m interested in your thoughts. As I’ve been working with Manos Juntas in Mexico, I’ll be sending them a separate donation, so don’t list them on your form.

At the end of the year, I’ll count up the results. I’ll report who received the donation in a future post.

Thanks for your ideas!

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I’m thinking about police officers who use excessive force when making an arrest, or ICE officers who appear gleeful when they take people into custody.

I am struck by the TV commercial with Kristi Noam telling immigrants that they will be found — with a smirk on her face.

Why do we act in these ways?

Milgram

That was the question that Stanley Milgram was trying to answer. In 1954 he was admitted to Harvard’s Department of Social Relations. He received his Ph.D. in 1960, and started his research in this area at Yale. In his experiments, subjects were told to administer shocks of increasing power to people that were said to be other volunteers (although in reality they were hired by Milgram, and the shocks were fake). More than 70 percent of the subjects ended up giving what they were led to believe were fatal shocks to the others. This innovative work showed that humans had a tendency to obey authority figures even if they disagreed with what they were told to do. It became one of the most famous psychology experiments of the 20th century.

It also has implications for what we are seeing happen today.

Immorality in Action

I’m appalled at some of the things that are happening in our society:

In Florida, Governor Ron DeSantis signed a measure to prohibit local workplace standards requiring drinking water, cooling measures, or recovery periods for workers who are working outside in the heat. Here’s what Juley Fulcher of Public Citizen said: “Workers in Florida will die in the Florida heat as a result of Gov. DeSantis’ signing this bill. Denying any worker access to water or shade in the heat of summer is inhumane and cruel, yet Florida just allowed employers to do exactly that.” (desantis-signs-law-banning-water-breaks-and-cooling-measures-from-florida-workers)

The administration continues to treat undocumented persons as less than human. The Department of Homeland Security is now stopping non-profit groups like the Red Cross from helping undocumented immigrants, even during emergency situations. The rules also require groups to cooperate with ICE. This means that during a disaster like a tornado or a hurricane, any individuals who are undocumented that seek help from a non-profit will likely end up in custody. (dhs-fema-undocumented-immigrants-aid-groups-grants)

In a jail outside of Jackson, Mississippi, guards dragged inmates into areas where there were no cameras and beat them. They recruited other inmates to give beatings to those they deemed to be troublemakers. The Rankin County Jail, where this allegedly occurred, is being investigated by the Justice Department. Five former Rankin County deputies were sentenced to federal prison for torturing two Black men in 2024. Just for their own entertainment, one inmate, Larry Buckhalter, was placed in a stun vest which was activated so that the guards could watch and film him convulsing. (https://www.nytimes.com/2025/11/14/us/mississippi-jail-inmates-rankin-county.html)

Maybe the most egregious acts recently have been the killings of suspected drug runners at sea. Our military has killed 87 people to date, claiming that they are “narco-terrorists.” But no war has been declared. No evidence has been presented that drugs were on board these boats, or that they were headed for the United States. It would be murder if drug dealers were shot in the streets, so why is this different? It appears that our President may be ordering our troops to commit war crimes.(https://www.nytimes.com/2025/12/04/us/politics/trump-boat-attacks-killings.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share)

Trying to Fix Things

Six elected officials (Senator Elissa Slotkin, Senator Mark Kelly and Representatives Chris DeLuzio, Maggie Goodlander, Chrissy Houlahan and Jason Crow) put together a video for our military stating that unlawful orders must not be followed, and do not have to be obeyed. President Trump immediately said that the video was “treasonous,” and is pushing for their arrest and prosecution.

In an interview with late-night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel, Sen. Kelly said it “is kind of wild because we recited [in the video] something from the Uniform Code of Military Justice and he’s going to prosecute me under the Uniform Code of Military Justice”. Under the code, a member of the armed services can refuse to follow “a patently illegal order, such as one that directs the commission of a crime” or one that goes against the Constitution, which service members swear to uphold when they join.(https://time.com/7336802/trump-military-orders-mark-kelly-democratic-lawmakers-video/) In an NPR interview, Kelly said the president “is certainly outrageous and unpredictable. I don’t think he understands the Constitution”. (https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/cze832dr2n0o)

The Buck Stops

All of this starts at the top. When the rhetoric from our elected officials does not recognize the basic human rights of each individual, we are giving permission for leaders in other parts of our government to give directives that are inhumane. Giving orders that are immoral makes terrible actions even more likely. Understanding criminality and evil through the lens of psychological motivation does not excuse harmful behavior, but it helps explain why people sometimes commit acts that violate moral, social, or legal norms.

Our job is to shed light on these horrific acts and bring morality back into the public square. Then maybe America will be great again.

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People wear that “busy” label like a badge of honor. I think it is supposed to mean “I’m pretty important,” or “I am successful.” I used to think that. Now I’m not so sure.

I have watched some YouTube videos that focus on getting things done. People like Ali Abdaal and Tim Ferriss are constantly teaching people how to do more things in less time. And they are making a fortune doing it. Particularly in the case of Ali Abdaal, he tells about the work that his team does, and how he manages it with lots of high-tech tools. He has made millions of dollars, so he makes it all look very attractive. But it also seems like a lot of work.

Is this what we want? To be working all the time? I like the joke about the business executive who was walking on the beach on vacation and saw a fisherman pulling up to shore. The fisherman had caught a really nice group of fish. The business person asked how long it took to catch them. “Not long,” said the fisherman. The exec asked, “Why didn’t you catch some more?” He replied, “This is enough for my family today.” The man on vacation asked, “Then what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The native responded, “Well, I sleep in, play with my kids, take a nap with my wife, and then I have some time at night with my friends. We have a few drinks and play music.”

The business executive was excited. He said, “I have an MBA and I know what you should do. You should fish more, and sell the extra fish. Then you can buy a bigger boat. That boat will help you catch even more fish, and you will soon have an entire fleet working for you. Instead of selling fish on the dock, you can open your own canning factory. Eventually you will become so big that you can take your company to New York so you can be close to the stock market.”

“Why do I need the stock market?” asked the fisherman.

“Because after a while you can sell stock in your company and make millions.”

“Wow,” said the fisherman. “Then what?”

“Well,” said the executive, “Then you could retire. You could sleep in, play with your grandkids, take a nap in the afternoon, and then have some time at night to have some drinks and play music.”

One lesson that I take from this is that we need to begin thinking about how we want to live now.

I think people look to the efficiency experts because they aren’t happy with their lives, and they think squeezing more in will change things. I wonder if they are doing the wrong things, and they need to change their priorities. People become unhappy for a great variety of reasons. They look at others that have more, and they think they want the life that they imagine that those wealthier people have. Or they are unhappy because they are struggling in their relationships, and they don’t know how to change the routines they have developed. Or they are unhappy because recent events in their lives have been negative — someone had a health issue, or they suffered a loss, or their car needed an expensive repair. It could be anything. But I’m pretty sure that just doing more of the same isn’t going to be a good solution.

It occurs to me that a better fix is to spend some time to figure out what you really want in life. You would be surprised at how many people have no idea what they want. There are some basics, of course — everyone wants some resources (notice that this is not the same as a job), health, relationships with friends and loved ones, and something that makes life worth living. Even some of these are debatable; I’ve met some of the poorest people in the world in Africa who are extremely happy.

Here are some ideas about how to determine what you really want. There are several tools to help that are free online:

1. O*NET Interest Profiler (U.S. Dept. of Labor)

Career interest exploration

Link: https://www.onetcenter.org/IP.html

2. VIA Character Strengths – Free Results Version

Gives full list of 24 ranked strengths for free

Link: https://www.viacharacter.org

3. Authentic Happiness Strengths Survey (University of Pennsylvania)

Strong academic base

Link: https://www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu (See Questionnaires)

These tools may help to identify some clues. If you think you still need more ideas, working with a therapist may help. They can use values clarification techniques or narrative psychology to help explore your life story. There are also spiritual exercises that people have found helpful to discover their calling.

Being busy isn’t a problem if you are moving in the direction that you want to go. I hope you can find that direction.